Hello everyone. Where have I been, you've asked (some of you a little angrily). Well, dear readers, you have a right to know.
THE 50 REASONS THE BLOG TOOK A THREE WEEK BREAK:
1. I have barely concealed contempt for my readers.
2. I second-guessed all of my opinions and went into a shame spiral.
3. The Biggest Loser got down to the final eight contestants.
4. Fantasy baseball started.
5. My bands started gigging again-- three great gigs in three weeks.
6. T Ball started, and as head coach of the Sand Gnats, I have BIG responsibilities.
7. The new puppy May hit the "teenage" years and ate all my socks, requiring much darning.*
8. My all-senior Shakespeare class was so focused that I had no time for anything else. **
9. I had to figure out who Kim Kardashian is.
10. And Justin Beiber.
11. I watched Office Space on Comedy Central for the 327th time.
12. Almost a dozen interesting records were released, so I was actually doing some heavy listening. More on that later.
13. I was on a visiting committee for an Islamic K-12 in Sacramento. No joke there. Just really interesting.
14. I overslept.
15. My hard drive crashed.
16. I watched Rollerball. Again.
17. We bought MLB.TV this year, which means every game is on my iPhone. Every freaking game.
18. I went to the dentist for the first time in twelve years.
19. Which was interesting.
20. The good news is I apparently have horse teeth-- no cavities or major problems.
21. The bad news is that you should go to the dentist more often than that.
22. Because the scraping that happens after twelve years is, well, loud. And long.
23. My favorite line came five seconds in; "Hmm... well, you're gonna bleed. No question."
24. That said, it was remarkably pleasant, considering a pointy hook gouged blood and tartar and twelve years of bad decisions out of my mouth for 75 minutes.
25. I ate a Taco Bell beefy 5-layer burrito and woke up in the hospital.***
26. I made the mistake of reading the Sunday New York Times and got so depressed that I couldn't function for a few days.
27. I got a little hooked on the show Parenthood.
28. I read the new Led Zeppelin biography by Mick Wall.
29. I also read the unauthorized history of The Simpsons.
30. Lessons learned from those two texts: invent a cartoon family if you can.
31. If a legend about you, sharks and groupies starts to surface, do nothing to discourage it.
32. Money frequently ruins the relationships among otherwise pleasant people.
33. Back to me: there's a creepy, beat-up ice cream truck that cruises our neighborhood at dusk that I've been trying to monitor. It might as well say "Pedophilemobile" on it. It plays the song playing in the background of "Silence Of The Lambs" when Jane Gumm says "It puts the lotion on its skin..."****
34. I edged the hedges in front of the house with an electric edger. I'm glad there's no video of it.
35. I went to see Hot Tub Time Machine.
36. That took me back to 1986 for a few days.
37. I saw Public Image Limited with The Beastie Boys in 1986.
38. Amazing that both of those bands are still making records.
39. I decided to Google a crush from 1986 that I never had the guts to ask out.
40. She's an award-winning neuroscientist on the faculty of a famous university.
42. Somebody clipped my parked car and tore off a side mirror. No note.
43. That person is probably also against the public option for health care.
44. And a Yankees fan.
45. I spent some serious time working on the pithiness of my Facebook updates.
46. My rock 'n' roll class is getting ready for its final exam.
47. They are going to crush it on Sunday, May 30th. 12 kids, 25 songs, 90 minutes.
48. I grew complacent.
49. I disrespected the craft.
50. The introduction of the Milky Way "all-caramel" candy bar required serious focus.
* Whatever that is.
** One guy brought the wrong book to class THREE TIMES.
*** Didn't happen. But I'm obsessed with Taco Bell's new menu, which should be called, "Screw it-- let's just try to kill people."
**** It actually plays "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star," but it's so run-down that it sounds like creepy clown music from a horror movie dream sequence.
I hope that clears everything up and re-engenders good feelings all around.
See you soon.